Friday, June 26, 2009

I need sleep.

Sleep. An elusive word to me right now. I covet it, I try my best to get it, if I don't I feel like crap. Lack of it truly is affecting me. And yet night after night I don't get enough rest.

Ugh, I wish I cold blame the issue on insomnia. At least it would be something to blame besides the kids. Cause I don't want to put blame on them...they are kids it's not really their fault (in fact I am pretty damn sure it is my fault somewhere along the line) but night after night at least one, or the other or both constantly wake up. Usually it's T. Tonight it's been both.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have been trying so many things... short of ignoring, especially when T gets up, because I just can't, otherwise she will wake Jim and J up. Yet, I know that she constantly calls out or gets up because she knows I will come to her. See the catch 22 there? I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

And it is basically for nothing. Bad dreams or needing a drink? Fine. I can deal with that. Sick? I am very understanding of that. There are times I go into her room and ask what is wrong and I get silence. Or "I want you". Nothing else. So then I get frustrated, and sometimes I get short with her (but only after the 6th or 7th time I have had to get up). And then if another member of the family gets woken up and listens then I get accused of being mean. And, he'd be right...I can get nasty. Nothing inappropriate of course but sometimes I really have to well...threaten to get her to stop calling me, crying, getting up, etc. in order for her to go back to sleep. It is taking all my energy to stay calm.

As I write this I am sitting on J's floor dealing with him. He has night terrors and talks in his sleep. I think he has even dome some sleepwalking a few times. He gets it from me (I once jumped down a flight of stairs in my sleep and landed upright...I am surprised my mother didn't have a heart attack on the spot). I am much more patient with this as there is a reason and I know that it will get outgrown. But that is not fair to T. Poor girl.

I'm lost, tired, fed up, and about ready to give up. I don't know what to do. I wish someone could help me. I haven't found advice yet that has really worked. I figure that maybe they both will start sleeping better by the time that they go to college, right? And I am not going to even get started on the problems getting J to actually go to sleep at night..... The problems are my fault anyways so I guess I will just have to live with it.

They are so cute when they are sleeping though.

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